Size Five Games

SIZE FIVE is a BAFTA-winning indie video game developer.

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Business Card Winners Announced!

Jul 82011

That’s quite the headline. You may remember I asked Twitter to help me design some business cards, and then because at the time I thought it’d be a lark I had some printed out and offered them up to whoever could be bothered to send me things.

I think I’d better put the winning entries “after the break” because, you know. NSFW, some of them.

Kids out of the room? Curtains drawn? Then I’ll begin. Do yourself a favour and open this in another tab.

In no particular order, here are my ‘favourites':

Ryan from Hello Games is normally quite talented. But he took time off from all that to craft this monstrosity!

Wonky-haired Matt Lees from OXM chose to draw himself in a Dan and Ben style! How narcissistic can you get?

Simon Archer was one of the few who actually went to some degree of effort! Well done Simon, have a beer on us.

Jan did a little tattoo, which is pretty hardcore. I suspect it’s felt tip, but whatever, that stuff’s pretty hard to scrub off:

Here’s a novelty: Dan here is modelling a limited edition Dan and Ben mug! You can’t get these any more, because the people who make the mugs wouldn’t allow images of Hitler on them, no matter how many emails I sent pointing out that banning images of Hitler on mugs is exactly the sort of thing Hitler used to do:

(as an aside, I had no idea people with hair this long were allowed to purchase Size Five Games’ games. I’ll look into it.)

Moving on, Mark did this! The less said about it the better I think. I like the use of perspective, I guess?

Awww! This is Manuel and his two year old daughter. She is arguably marginally better at colouring in than I am:

This one… I mean, this must have taken ages Callum?

I don’t really understand this one, but it’s a lovely use of Comic Sans so thoroughly deserves a place in the final. Well done Mark!

Right, here we go. This is where it all starts to get a bit rotten. Here’s Paul’s go, you can see how little effort he’s willing to put into something for some free cardboard and a beer:

And finally, seriously, if on the off chance you’re my mum: stop reading here, please. Go and do the crossword or something.

Here’s Robert’s erotic re-telling of the Ben There, Dan That! opener. You have been warned.

Ben There, Dan That: An Erotic Retelling
By Bob Chambers

Peru, Two Weeks Ago…

Benjamin entered the rainforest clearing by the cliff where he had left his partner, Daniel. Dan was hanging from a rope, attached by a rubber bird of some description. However, Dan did not mind this treatment, for he was dead. Even if alive, such bonds had excited him, although he never told Ben in case such information was deemed “too fucking weird” by his lover.

Ben looked upon Dan’s form, rigor mortis making him every limb in his body stiff. “Stiff in every place except where it matters”, mused Ben sadly. His eyes roamed Dan’s necrotic visage, from his rollerbladed feet all the way to his luscious follicles. His eyes roamed further upwards, following those manly arms up to the wrists, where the legs of the rubber creature restrained his smooth, manicured hands. Ben had always wanted to see Dan like this, but with more vitality. Alas, he had never confessed his desires for rough bondage based power-bumming in a Peruvian jungle, lest Dan jeered and exclaimed he was a “weird fuck”. Such scorn was Ben unwilling to take.

He started to explain his brilliant plan to Dan, about how he acquired the Whizzo-Bang
Firework, and how he would use it to reanimate Dan’s corpse. He was rambling slightly, and he knew it. He knew Dan was gone, unable to hear him, but he didn’t care. His heart ached with the desire to hear Dan’s dulcet voice, even if all he said was a simple “can it, you”. Ah, “can it, you”. What better way for two homosexual men to express their eternal, undying love for each other in a public setting where homophobia still runs rampant? If any other person heard such words, they’d assume a demand for silence, not the declaration of affection that it truly was.

A few feet away from Ben, something he has mistaken for a rock shone in the harsh South American sun. Upon further inspection, it turned out to be his lucky lighter. Quite how it got there, he was unsure. Still, not one to spit in the face of Providence at a critical moment, he placed it in his pocket without nary a word. He ambled over to Dan’s earthly shell, and produced the pyrotechnic he had pilfered from the blind monkey. He couldn’t help but smile as he thought “once we get back to London I’ll have another rocket waiting for you”, as he skilfully inserted the rocket into Dan’s unresisting rectum.

With a click of his Zippo, Dan was sent flying over the ravine, guided by the zipline that sent him straight into the corpse-reanimating equipment awaiting him. The shack bounced in ways that defied physics, before alighting in an almighty conflagration of flame. Ben fell to his knees, convinced it didn’t work. So many perils had he faced. The infiltration of discorobot lairs. The combining of objects with other objects. All this was for nothing? He screamed aloud, screamed to a cruel and pitiless God, who would bestow upon him such a beautiful Adonis, only to steal him away so soon. Then, teary eyed, he turned back towards the burning shack. And there, standing so impossibly alive, was Daniel. The ying to his yang. The postbox to his postman. His heart swam with joy as his eyes locked with those of his lover. They both knew what each other was thinking, even across the ravine…

Well done to everyone who won (except Bob, obviously): email me your address and I’ll pop a card in the post to you. Unless you’re going to Develop, in which case you can have it then instead.


  1. Jul 82011

    Mine is definitely the best I think.

  2. Jul 112011

    Particularly weirded out by the fact that the music from the YouTube vidjo, which had been cheerfully plinky-plonking away in the background, faded out just as I started reading Bob’s entry (ooh-er), leaving just an awkward silence. Nice.

  3. Jul 112011

    Hey I spent a whole 5 minutes on that! I even had to start up Ben there Dan that to check the colour of Dan’s shoes.

  4. Jul 162011

    Ha ha, I’m the postman and Dan is the postbox!

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